Epiphanies

Epiphanies are great and I love when they come with such great clarity and show you what it is that you really want in life!

Can we ever figure it out?

It seems like every stage in life comes with its own complications. I have found myself at a point where I am moving forward, things are happening, progress is being made, but I'm not sure how I feel about it. I have this beautiful home, a new roommate, a great new job and I still don't always feel like I belong. I have my moments where I am happy here, and I have my moments where I wonder what I was thinking moving to GA. I guess the latter is what I am feeling right now. I think, oddly enough, that the weekends are the hardest. During the week when I am busy with two jobs and trying to keep my house in order I don't really think that much about life. I am just living in the moment and trying to get to the next thing.

Today was a rough day, I had a lot of free time to just think about life. And I spent a lot of time on facebook looking at school friends pages. I sometimes question what I am doing here. Why did I move so far away. Far away from friends, family, a life that I already had. The odd thing is, I know the answer, the answer is because I knew that is what God wanted me to do in my life and I still know that this is where He wants me for now. Somedays though I find myself waiting for Him to tell me that I can move back home now. Knowing full well that the experience and connections and networking that I am getting here will never happen in Dover, but some days I just don't care.

Sometimes I feel like my decision was extremely selfish. How could I leave Jodi and the kids? Those are not just her kids, they are mine too. And some of you might read this and think that I am crazy, and that is fine, you don't have to understand. All I know is that when a 5 yr old asks me why I had to move away from her, that feels pretty selfish. How do you explain to a 5 yr that this is what God wanted, they just don't understand that. I don't have any biological connection to those kids, but that doesn't matter, they are still apart of me. The part of me that cannot believe that I left them. 

It's funny though how things have turned around now though. The other day I was sitting at the kitchen table where I nanny and I was talking with the little boy and his mother and we were talking about him getting older. I made a comment that I probably wouldn't be here, and he said, yes you will. For never having any kids of my own, I can see how a mother's love works. People always say that when they have second child they can never imagine loving that child as much as the first one, but someone you just do. I could never have imagined that there would ever be a place in my heart for children other than jodi's but I have someone found more love for the kids I nanny. I will be sad when the day comes that I have to leave them. 

I know that this whole thing has to do with control and not knowing what the future holds. I know that I am not good at releasing control. I know that it scares the crap out of me not knowing what the future holds. Where I will be in 3 years, if I will be married or not, if I will have kids or not, if I will still even be in GA. Sometimes when I think about past experiences, I wonder how those experiences and lessons are going to affect the future. Have I figured out what I want in a husband, in life? I honestly don't think so. I think I have a good idea of what I want and most of that comes after seeking what God wants. 

All I know is that I want to figure out what I want in life and never settle for less. 

The big question is......

Can we ever figure out what we truly want from life, or do we just take what we can get and accept it? 

Surrender

I don't know why it is so hard to release control of life but we all know that it is. Knowing what is right and doing what is right should come hand in hand but they never do. I wish that my mind and brain would work in sync with the rest of my life. I know that what i need to do is completely surrender control. And although I keep saying that I want to do that, I always seem to find a way to hold on. I think this time I am learning and I am trying. I have realized that this is a growing process. This is a trusting process. Yes, it would be great to just be able to totally surrender all at once, but for me that is just not fact. What I have learned in the past days... 

I can give up control

It will be hard and a struggle

It is what I need to do 

It will make my life easier and less stressful

What I have also learned is that although we all trust God, we still need to ask for His help. We shouldn't just assume that He will take care of everything without asking. The great part is that He will never leave us hanging even if we don't ask, but even God likes the acknowledgment from us of how much we need Him. Asking for His help is not so that He knows we need Him, it is so WE know and can surrender our pride and admit to Him that we need Him. 

I know that surrender is going to be hard and it is going to hurt. 

I also know that what is at the end of the road might not happen without my total surrender.

And what is at the end of the road is all worth it!

Something New

I don't know what this is

 

It could be friendship

It could be more

I feel different

I feel me

I am not ashamed

I am not scared

I know whatever this is

It will be great

The love for God is evident and amazing

The heart for leading people to God seems even greater

I don't know what this is but

I know that it will never be me

I know whatever this is

It will be great

It will always and only be GOD

Emotions

So many emotions are running through my mind right now! Some of them are new and in this moment and some of them have been in my mind for such a long time. I dont know if I have the energy to write it all down. It is so overwhelming sometimes. These feelings sometimes just take over and I dont know what to do or feel or think. I wish it was all simple and I had all the answers but I don't. I wish so badly that I knew the future and what is coming but sadly I am not God. I don't know these things. 

Why is it so hard to relinquish control of our lives?

Well its 12:10 in the morning and I can't sleep! I had the tweezers out but I got bored with that too!. This stupid cough is keeping me from sleeping and the only thing that seems to relieve the coughing is to drink water and since I have been doing that all day I constantly have to pee which has become another problem. And I have been coughing so much that it is starting to hurt when I do it. I wish that I wasnt complaining because everything else in my life seems to be going pretty well! 

So i am going to stop complaining and try and go to bed. Please pray that the small amount of nyquil that I am going to take is not going to interfere with the anitbiotics that I am taking. I am hoping that the nyquil will help me be able to sleep. 

THank you for listening to my rambling!

Changing life

It is amazing how much can change in such a small amount of time. Sometimes it surprises me to think of how different my life is now. Just a month or so ago I wanted this so bad, I applied, I prayed, I thought this was the right thing. Now, two days from the interview, I am not so sure.  

How could this, that has been such a huge part of my life for the past couple years, and something that I thought I would be involved in forever, be something that I am not sure I want anything to do with. I want to do what is right. I want to do what God has planned. For so long I thought this would be one of the stops on this path that He has made for me. But now, in this place in my life where so many things are changing, I am not sure I want this to be the next change. 

It is so hard to know what the right thing is. I definitely didn't want to just disregard this opportunity and that is why I am keeping the possibility open with this interview. 

I am trying to keep an open mind because who knows, after the interview, they might not even offer me the job. I do fear though that if they do offer me the job and I don't feel like that is the next step in my life, will I be able to say no. Will I be able to stand up for the changes in my life and the realization that this might not be the next step? Honestly, only God knows what is going to happen and sometimes, well most of the time, that scares the crap out of me!

Don't tell me I'm wrong

So just a thought for this Sunday morning. Why is it that people think that by not going to church on Sunday morning you are not a Christian? Am I a bad person for no going this morning. For the first time since I have lived in GA not going to church? I don't think so. I still love God and I have not lost faith. I just decided that this morning I needed some sleep. Don't worry I have talked to God and in my opinion He is pretty great!

So for those of you that think not going to church on Sunday morning means you are a heathen I just want to set the record straight and let you know that you are wrong!

I hope you all have a wonderful Sunday!

Everyone always told you

It's funny how things turn out sometimes. You look back in time and wonder where it all went. Everyone always told you to cherish those moments because they would be the best of your life and for some reason you never really listened. You skimmed by and did what was necessary to get out of there. Even leaving early if you could just to save some money and not realizing what all you were truly missing. 

I wish I could have realized all of this about a year ago when I made the decision to graduate early. It's funny to me now that the place I couldn't wait to leave, I am so ready to go back to. I would take back all the classes and papers and projects if it meant that I could have some more time with the people that made that place so amazing. I would take on the increased debt and stress just to do it a couple more days. What was I thinking? Wasn't 4 years a short enough time with those people why did I have to shorten it? 

I look back on it now and wish that I would have just endured the extra $10,000 ( I know some of you can't believe I wrote that) and spent some more time with my friends. Friends who I now live at least 9 hours from depending on what part of Indiana they ended up in. Friends who I am now doing better at talking on the phone with but still miss terribly. 

I never considered myself to have missed out on anything to not have found that amazing roommate that becomes your life-long friend and maid of honor in your wedding. I found so many other friends that I got to share amazing moments with. Friends from all different areas. Friends who could relate to me in every area of what I was going threw. And no I can't say I had the best roommate ever that will one day be in my wedding but I can say that I found a HUGE group of friends who will one day all be apart of my wedding and the rest of my life! 

They say that your college years are some of your best years and that you should always cherish them. Yet, for some reason we don't really understand it until that time has already passed. Those memories that were made freshman, sophomore, junior, and senior year will always be with us, even the things that we thought were stupid at the time "Sorry Gary" :) but will seem to always stick with us. Those are the things that made our college experience what it truly was. Not the classes, or lectures, or even projects that we worked on for weeks and lost numerous hours of sleep over. It is the friendships that will truly last a lifetime and the memories that will keep us laughing until we can not laugh anymore. 

Amazing how a picture of someone trying to make a ball out of peanut butter and chocolate can bring out all these memories and emotions! :) 

Timing

Timing is a crazy thing. Knowing when to do stuff and knowing when not to. Sometimes I think we disregard God's timing and go with our own. What if all the things that happened in our life, good and bad, were done at just the right time to get us where we are. I believe this is how God is. He uses certain events in our lives to direct us to the next step. As you may or may not know I am currently living with my aunt and uncle. I was sitting in bed tonight just pondering some things and I thought. Maybe this is it...maybe this is the time for me to travel with an organization for missionary purposes. I am not under a lease right now and if I left for a month or so I would not be worrying about paying rent or utilities. I dont know if that is where God's plan will lead me next but I know that it is a possibility. I think that this timing and opportunity was created for me to figure out what it is that I really want to do in life and where I want to be and go. Maybe I am not supposed to stay in GA and this is the time to move on because I dont have anything tying me down. I wish that I had someone in life who could just tell me what to do. Wait! I do! It's Jesus Christ! I know that i need to start leaning on Him even more now than I ever have! I know that He will show me where He wants me and what He wants me to do! 

What to do

I find myself in this awful situation. I know that I could run form it and just not try to resolve that, but who am I kidding? That is not me. I want this to work. I want it to work so bad that I am willing to keep my mouth shut and not say anything. But sometimes I can't hold it in anymore and I just need to let it out. I  may not be the best at expressing my feelings but I try. I try to be a humble person and give everyone the benefit of the doubt. But how do I keep that attitude when the other person keeps making themselves superior to me and making me feel like an idiot? 

I used to think that they had showed me what a true relationship with God was and that I somehow was not good enough. But I have come to realize that is not it at all. I have a wonderful relationship with God and it is all my own! I have gone through so much and seen so many things and so much awesome power of God in my life that no one could take that away from me. 

I started writing this post because I needed to calm down from this crazy situation and I think that it has helped. I still don't know what I am going to do but I am trusting that God will show me what I am supposed to do. 

Passion

I am sitting here watching SYTYCD and I am left thinking. What is my passion in life? What is it that I want to do more than anything. The competitors on the show know that they love dance and that they want to put their all into dancing. Why don't I have a passion like that. I have so many different things that I want to do. Why is that?

 

Is it abnormal to be good as so many different things and not completely excellent at just one? 

The other problem is that even if I could just pick one thing and strive to be excellent at that, I wouldn't know what to pick. 

I love photography but I am intimidated because I have never really been trained to take great photos, I just feel like I can but I get too nervous to commit to photograph an important event for someone. 

I love audio editing and production but honestly I don't think I have enough training and even if I did I would have no idea where to go.  I love being behind a sound board and I used to think that was where I would end up but now I am not so sure. Being behind a sound board used to be a relaxing thing for me and honestly I can't say that it isn't anymore because it has been so long since I have been behind one that I really don't know anymore.

This is such a confusing subject in my life and I don't really know what to do.

~NIKKI~

Why So Serious?

For those of you who don't know, on monday night after seeing the new batman movie, I changed my facebook status to : Why so serious. 

Today I was on my facebook and I read my status and I began to think:

Why So Serious?

Why have we become so serious about life?

Have we lost our desire to have fun and enjoy life where we are at? 

Why has it become that all we think about is how much money we make and how we can make more?

I feel like I am the odd man out because I don't think that way. I don't want money to be the center of my life. I don't want money or the possession of money to control my life. I know in some way, shape or form money will always be a factor. I do want to be able to provide food and shelter to live but for me that is as far as the desire goes. For me I don't care how nice the place or how nice the car. To me it is more important to be with family and friends and to be involved in the world that God has placed around me.

Am I wrong for feeling this way?

Is it wrong that I don't ever want to be the professional that sits behind a desk all day. 

I dont want to take a job now just because it pays more even tough I know that I will be miserable going to work everyday. 

I love where I am it in life right now, Yeah things may be starting to get a little tight and I am going to need to buckle down more but I am okay with that. 

I am surrounded by people who love me and want what is best for me. Even the people I work for seem to be looking out for me to.

I am young and I feel like this is the perfect time to find out what I really want in life and to go for it!

I guess what I am trying to say in all this mumbo jumbo is:

Live life to the fullest. 

Find your greatest potential.

Enjoy what you do.

Laugh, Play, have fun.

Be spontaneous.

And above all...

Don't take everything in life so serious because one day none of it will matter. All that will matter is what you did with your life and if you can look back on it and smile because you know that you made the best of it.

~NIKKI~

Life

I heard a song on the radio tonight as I was driving and now all I can remember is the first line but to me it was the most powerful. 

"I sit here in silence and wonder how I got to this place."

This phrase hit me pretty hard. I was actually sitting in silence in the car listening to music and I had been wondering about life. There are so many emotions right now. I am moving into a new place which although it is going to be a lot of work is very exciting for me. And although I am excited I am sad too. I am sad because my dad can't be here to help. For him that is such a good thing. For me, it makes me sad. Not just because I want another person to help me lift and move things, but because these are the types of things that I like to do with my dad. I am starting to think about different ways to organize the new room and make it more efficient which is awesome, but the only problem is that all my ideas involve the use of some power tool that I don't have access to anymore because I don't live with my dad. And furthermore, although I could physically do all the 'construction' on my own, I don't want to. I want him to be here with me, to help me, to teach me new things. 

My dad not being here is just a piece of the pie that makes me sad to live so far away from my family. I miss being able to go and see my grandparents whenever I want. I miss being able to see my brother play his drums, even if it is just in the basement and not at a show.  I miss doing stupid stuff like cleaning out the car with my dad or playing basketball with him while he grills, although that was something we did at the old house :) 

I am so torn inside. I know that God has brought me down here for a reason. I see it everyday, the little reasons that I know I am supposed to be here. But all I know is that I am supposed to be here NOW. What about in the future. It is so hard for me to not know what is coming. Although this is a lesson that I have learned before that I need to just trust that God is in control and let him have the wheel and lead me where he wants me. 

I guess I just want to have a slight idea of what's to come. 

I know that for now I just have to trust God and know that he is in control. 

On a side note I have decided that I want to get another tattoo. I want to get the word trust. I am not sure how or exactly where, i do have some ideas, if you have any ideas let me know. 

Trust is such a big thing for me right now and I know that it will always be something that I have to be reminded of. 

Thanks for being interested!

NIKKI

Making the first move

I have tried many times to figure out how to explain my predicament in this post. And honestly I am not sure how big of a predicament it is...

Well, I was gonna write out the whole story but even I got bored with it so I knew that anyone else reading it would too. 

The situation is that my mom is trying to hook me up with a boy from home. My mom and his mom are all about getting the two of us together. They were so adamant about it when i was home that when i met his mom she wanted me to go and watch him play softball. I didnt go because I have never met this boy and had only met his mom a couple hours before then and I thought it would be very very awkward. Well, the next night I went out to the sale for a couple hours because i had made a passing and not completely serious comment that they should come by so I could meet him. Well apparently a couple hours after I left he and his mom came by. 

This may all seem not that big of a deal but wait it gets better. His mom, i'm not sure if he is aware of this or not, left two pictures of him and put his email address on the back. 

So here is my predicament...Assuming that he knows about the pictures and the email address i feel like I should email him because I don't want him to think that I looked at his picture and made an assumption based on his looks. I am not that kind of person and I don't want him to think that even though I am a stranger to him. 

So again I am stuck because I started to write the email last night and I just felt like I was trying to sell myself or something. 

I don't know how to just send an email.

The other problem is that I don't really want to start anything other than a friendship with him because for one he is in ohio and I am in GA and I am not sure if I will be moving back anytime soon...which could be a whole other post in itself...and number two I think that he is going to be a farm boy and I in no way want to be a farm girl...

I know that I have made this a bigger deal than it really is..it is just a new thing for me. It is also kinda funny because when my mom was getting his picture for me I was nervous for some reason. I don't know why. And last night when i started to write him an email I felt kinda giddy for some reason. 

This is all just a really weird situation and I am not really sure how to approach it. I'm sure that I will figure it out soon and an email will be sent. Who knows maybe a friendship will start from all this...or who knows...maybe something more.

boy my mom would sure love that...

The start of it all

Well, I've joined the movement. I am now a blogger..i guess. I am always feeling...thinking...and trying to figure out things and it always seems that i figure out things better when I talk them out with someone. I figure this would be a good way to voice my thoughts and possibly figure things out on my own. I guess what I am saying is that this is mostly for me but I am honored that you would want to read my thoughts. I'm not quite sure how all this works so if it is possible, comments, suggestions, and thoughts on my life are always welcome! 

I promise that my next post will be more intellectual. I have so much that I want to get out but it is almost 11 and being a working woman that I am if I start blogging now it will go on forever and I just can't have that tonight. I need my beauty rest and so hopefully tomorrow I can get online and start putting down some thoughts!