Epiphanies

Epiphanies are great and I love when they come with such great clarity and show you what it is that you really want in life!

Can we ever figure it out?

It seems like every stage in life comes with its own complications. I have found myself at a point where I am moving forward, things are happening, progress is being made, but I'm not sure how I feel about it. I have this beautiful home, a new roommate, a great new job and I still don't always feel like I belong. I have my moments where I am happy here, and I have my moments where I wonder what I was thinking moving to GA. I guess the latter is what I am feeling right now. I think, oddly enough, that the weekends are the hardest. During the week when I am busy with two jobs and trying to keep my house in order I don't really think that much about life. I am just living in the moment and trying to get to the next thing.

Today was a rough day, I had a lot of free time to just think about life. And I spent a lot of time on facebook looking at school friends pages. I sometimes question what I am doing here. Why did I move so far away. Far away from friends, family, a life that I already had. The odd thing is, I know the answer, the answer is because I knew that is what God wanted me to do in my life and I still know that this is where He wants me for now. Somedays though I find myself waiting for Him to tell me that I can move back home now. Knowing full well that the experience and connections and networking that I am getting here will never happen in Dover, but some days I just don't care.

Sometimes I feel like my decision was extremely selfish. How could I leave Jodi and the kids? Those are not just her kids, they are mine too. And some of you might read this and think that I am crazy, and that is fine, you don't have to understand. All I know is that when a 5 yr old asks me why I had to move away from her, that feels pretty selfish. How do you explain to a 5 yr that this is what God wanted, they just don't understand that. I don't have any biological connection to those kids, but that doesn't matter, they are still apart of me. The part of me that cannot believe that I left them. 

It's funny though how things have turned around now though. The other day I was sitting at the kitchen table where I nanny and I was talking with the little boy and his mother and we were talking about him getting older. I made a comment that I probably wouldn't be here, and he said, yes you will. For never having any kids of my own, I can see how a mother's love works. People always say that when they have second child they can never imagine loving that child as much as the first one, but someone you just do. I could never have imagined that there would ever be a place in my heart for children other than jodi's but I have someone found more love for the kids I nanny. I will be sad when the day comes that I have to leave them. 

I know that this whole thing has to do with control and not knowing what the future holds. I know that I am not good at releasing control. I know that it scares the crap out of me not knowing what the future holds. Where I will be in 3 years, if I will be married or not, if I will have kids or not, if I will still even be in GA. Sometimes when I think about past experiences, I wonder how those experiences and lessons are going to affect the future. Have I figured out what I want in a husband, in life? I honestly don't think so. I think I have a good idea of what I want and most of that comes after seeking what God wants. 

All I know is that I want to figure out what I want in life and never settle for less. 

The big question is......

Can we ever figure out what we truly want from life, or do we just take what we can get and accept it? 

Surrender

I don't know why it is so hard to release control of life but we all know that it is. Knowing what is right and doing what is right should come hand in hand but they never do. I wish that my mind and brain would work in sync with the rest of my life. I know that what i need to do is completely surrender control. And although I keep saying that I want to do that, I always seem to find a way to hold on. I think this time I am learning and I am trying. I have realized that this is a growing process. This is a trusting process. Yes, it would be great to just be able to totally surrender all at once, but for me that is just not fact. What I have learned in the past days... 

I can give up control

It will be hard and a struggle

It is what I need to do 

It will make my life easier and less stressful

What I have also learned is that although we all trust God, we still need to ask for His help. We shouldn't just assume that He will take care of everything without asking. The great part is that He will never leave us hanging even if we don't ask, but even God likes the acknowledgment from us of how much we need Him. Asking for His help is not so that He knows we need Him, it is so WE know and can surrender our pride and admit to Him that we need Him. 

I know that surrender is going to be hard and it is going to hurt. 

I also know that what is at the end of the road might not happen without my total surrender.

And what is at the end of the road is all worth it!